DIRTY little SECRET

When it comes to health and fitness and eating well, I have an issue that very few of my real life friends or family know about me- I am a binger.  It is painfully embarassing to even type that and there it is.  This is something I have struggled with since I was about 9 years old.  I can remember sneaking off to the corner store and buying as much chips and candy as my small change would buy me and inhaling it.  My childhood was a pretty tumultuous one and from a young age I had found a way to feed parts of me that were not fed.  Food was always there.  No matter what issues, big or small, my life had in it there was an intense relief that came with a few minutes of a binge.  As a grown woman, I have continued to struggle with the “good” stretches and “bad” stretches of an eating regimen/diet.  I can “be good” for a few weeks or even a month or two and then that inner demon rears its ugly head.  The stricter or more restrictive the “diet”, the worse it is.  I am not a psychologist but I would say that any attempt I’ve ever had at dieting is highly OCD.  I go postal.  The all or nothing mentality comes out for me and then it’s all down hill from there.  Most recently, I have made another attempt at following Weight Watchers.  Many people, including ones that I know, have had great success with this program and look and feel great.  This is in no way a slam on the lifestyle.  The problem is that me on Weight Watchers is a plan for miserable failure.  Writing down food, weighing it, constantly thinking about what I last ate and what I will eat next brings out the ticking time bomb.  Generally, it surfaces sooner than later.

A binge is like a drug for me.  There isn’t anything necessarily mindless about it because it is actually well planned out and strategically done so that a) I can get all of the most preferred binge foods and( b) no one in a store would suspect what I’m doing.  Whether they would suspect it or not, I know what is going down and it’s not something I am in any way proud of .  Keeping it a secret is top priority.  For the first few minutes of it, there is such a feeling of release and relief for me.  This part is mindless.  There aren’t any intense thoughts except maybe how quickly I can get the next bite(s) in.  Then the strong feelings of remorse and guilt quickly slip in.  They are full of self loathing and negative self talk.  There is nothing productive about them.  I throw out whatever is left, if there is any, and vow that this was the last time.  I may even skip lunch and perhaps dinner in a feeble attempt to make up for the high number of calories I have essentially inhaled.  It is the negative, soul killing self talk that leads to the next binge.

I’ve been revisiting a book I had picked up a year ago on the topic.  Reading certain attributes about bingers was such a relief because I realized that I’m not the only one with this dirty, little secret.  There are some guidelines laid out to work towards overcoming binge eating.  For the next few weeks, my goal is to eat 3 meals and 2 snacks every day.  It is also to start to embrace and love myself and start some positive self talk to replace the negative. 

I have no idea why I needed to share this.  I have thought of it a few times and kept putting it on the back burner.  I guess I just feel that if one other person could know that they’re not alone in this, posting it made it worthwhile.

The Fine (and difficult!) Art of Balance

Balance is an ideal that is visited and revisited in our household.  For the first seven years of having children, my husband worked 60-80 hours a week or more in a demanding and often times stressful job.  I quit my job to stay home full time and care for our growing family along with the stereotypically “mom” jobs like all the cleaning, laundry, pediatrician visits, nighttime wakings, you get the idea.  We did what we thought was working but in all reality, it wasn’t working at all.  My husband’s job was getting more and more demanding.  Our children were quickly developing from babies into amazing little personalities yet my husband was not able to spend much time with them or caring for them because he was barely home.  I was feeling overwhelmed by the huge responsibility of taking care of most of the family responsibilities.  We were both exhausted, run down and it took a toll on our relationship.  An opportunity arose for my husband to apply for his dream job in firefighting.  It would be a gruelling process of testing, both written and physical along with some pretty intense interviews but the idea of living a simpler, slower lifestyle was worth the hard work and the risk.  It would also require an almost exactly 50% pay cut-scary!  In May of 2008, he officially resigned from his “day” job and 2 weeks later began his new career as a firefighter.

This is where our life and all aspects of it was turned inside out.  We had operated in traditional roles for 7 years.  My husband was now home five days of the week.  I went back to work part time to help bring up our income.  I would love to say that it was as smooth of a transition as it sounds in print yet the truth is, it wasn’t.  We were focussed, though, and never waivered from the fact that we were a team.  We had to look at our relationship and the things we did not as “me vs. you” but in a way that begged the question “how can we make this work together?”  So we talked and talked and talked some more.  Daily we were tweaking and retweaking how things were going and where we could work more efficiently together.  Nine months later, we don’t have as many conversations as we did in the beginning  but more about clarifying the game plan.  We have transitioned from a traditional one income, dad works, mom stays home with the kids family to an equally sharing the roles team.  We have a much slower pace to life.  We both enjoy lots of time with our children, time for work, time for pursuing interests and hobbies and time spent together.  This huge lifestyle change that was a challenge to work through, also became the greatest place of balance for us. 

Balance will be a lifelong teeter totter for me.  I naturally lean towards an enjoyment of loving and nurturing others.  It’s in my nature to want to jump to help a friend in need.  I am so good at it, in fact, that I can (often) neglect my own need for love and nurturing in the process.  How do I best love and care for myself?  Proper fuelling of my body, proper amounts of rest and a good dose of exercise daily keep me feeling the self love.  I have never been good at putting myself first, though, so I have to constantly be checking in with myself (you know, in those “me” conversations I have hehe) to see how the balancing act is going.  A great reminder for me is the whole plane scenario.  When they are going through the safety and emergency procedures on a plane, they always emphasize how we need to put on our own oxygen mask before we try to help others.  We are only as good to others as we are to ourselves.  If I don’t have any energy to pour into myself, how do I possibly have any for anyone else?

What about you?  Is there a change you could make in your life, big or small, that would help you move towards a better life balance?  Are you putting on your oxygen mask first?

Fierce Conversations

As a leader, you get what you tolerate.  People do not repeat behaviour unless it is rewarded.- Susan Scott

This year my goal for myself (as I’m not into resolutions) was to read one non fiction book per month to keep my mind fresh.  The above quote is from January’s selection “Fierce Conversations” by Susan Scott.  This book was an incredible read and if you are looking for a read that is both reflective and productive, I highly recommend it.  It is a book written for people in leadership positions but is also applicable for all relationships both in the work place and in our personal lives.  The idea is that sometimes we stop just a little too short in taking our conversations to the next level.  It could be that the conversation is going to be a difficult one.  One that is going to feel very uncomfortable because it is going to feel confrontational but may validly be a conversation that needs to be had because of that fact.  In my case, it may be uncomfortable because any type of conversation that calls for forthright and honest dialogue can often feel unnatural.  If we can push past our discomfort, no matter the reason, and take a conversation to the next level, we can often add a depth to our relationships that will be more rewarding for both the recipient and the deliverer.

When I first read the quote above, I had to stop and read it again a few times out loud.  It really resonated for me.  This idea is true in all aspects of my life.  I read it to my husband (anyone else love to read book quotes to others and discuss? hehe) and we explored how this is so true for our children.  I will often tolerate behaviour that is not acceptable because I’m making dinner or on the phone or fill in blank here.  That behaviour that was tolerated by default?  Rewarded by my choice to not redirect it.  The result?  Behaviour repeated.  Often times, when we least want it to be like at the park or in the grocery store or when grandma comes to visit.   This can be true in any relationship.  The scenario may be different but the outcome is the same.  As Dr. Phil would say, how’s that working for you?

I’ve also been thinking on how this applies in my approach to myself.  What types of my own behaviour do I tolerate and where could I move myself forward if it wasn’t tolerated?  I immediately think of priorities.  In my past healthy living strides, I’ve tolerated my feeble attempts at getting active.  I’ve fed myself excuses and eaten them by the spoonful.  “I’ll do it tomorrow when I have more time” was my mantra.  Tomorrow would come and go and, conveniently, there was never enough time.  At least that’s what I told myself.  Since the beginning of this year, I have not been as tolerant to the excuses.  I’ve made the choice to correct lazy unfocussed behaviour to replace it with hard work focussed behaviour.  The result has been a 10 lb weight loss and a surge in energy.  This was no easy feat.  The approach has been two fold:  stop the “making excuses” self talk and have some fierce conversations with myself about what I want to achieve and how I’m going to achieve it.

What does a fierce conversation look like for you?  Is it with yourself or addressed to a relationship that could use a tune up?

Run, Girl, Run!

Three years ago, my husband and I signed up for a running clinic at a local running store in our area.  I had made many attempts in the past to run and hated every minute of it.  Seriously.  I figured that there were enough running enthusiasts that I must be missing something.  I was also three months post partum after having my third baby in four years and I desperately needed something to put my energy into that was all about “me”.  The running clinic was one of the best investments I ever made.  I learned the proper form and speed for my body and from then on I was addicted!  There is something so cathartic about getting out to clear my head after a really  l o n g day.  The steady sound of my feet finding their rhythm with the ground,  the exhilerating feeling of really filling my lungs with fresh air, in, out, in, out.  I have had some of the best conversations with myself (am I admitting that on the world wide web?) and have found some great clarity in issues that I’ve been mulling over. 

What do you do for yourself to take care of your body, mind and soul?  What could you do if you don’t presently do something?